Becoming ⭐️ 💪

It’s taken me a long time to write this down. Even though the actual act of writing was and continues to be part of my healing journey.

After I got out of college, I was living’ it up as all young people do when they don’t care much about their bodies or their health 🫣

Fore.. I thought it was four 😬

I was at every event and every activity and the drinks were flowing…

I had a relationship. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t know how to handle it or him so I wasn’t home much and he didn’t seem to care. So… I continued to party.

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This was the last night. I remember having to work the next day at my waitress job at a local German restaurant. I was also working full time during the week at a court reporting firm as my ‘out of college’ job.

It was Father’s Day… expected to be very busy.

I remember feeling grouchy. Irritated. Another waiter was being given a part of my section and that meant less money at the end of the day for me. I was planning on working a double, as it was a holiday.

I remember a table of 6. Telling the desserts 🍨 as I’ve told for the thousandth time in the past years. The nutball… ice cream … rolled in toasted coconut, pecans and walnuts.

wait…

Why did I all of the sudden forget the rest of the desserts? How come I’m forgetting the reason I’m here..? Why is my hand jerking up in the air and why am I feeling so strange? What is this searing pain making my face twist to the right..? Ohhh.. ouch.. ouch.. now it’s twisting my whole head and straining my neck. Pain… intense and searing pain. Something is wrong!

As I hit the floor I remember thinking my only knowing. That was.. the sky is blue.

*have you had a black out or seizure? Are you willing to share your experience?

I woke up being tied to a gurney. As I was driven to the hospital, the EMT was asking me some strange questions. “Did you pee or wet yourself?” I can imagine my face as he said that… how dare he think that I would wet myself.

It took some time for me to be told that I had had a grand mal seizure. Ahh.. that makes … no sense. I don’t have seizures. I’m not epileptic.

I was told a waitress behind me held me so I wouldn’t hit my head when I fell. My sister, who was working upstairs, came and laid on her side facing me while I seized. Not breathing…, my lips turning blue. I was told that my brother and his wife were told by my sister and happened to be driving by. They were in the parking lot as I was wheeled into the ambulance.

A few tests later… and an overly excited Dr came in smiling 🙂 like he had the BEST news to tell me. My other brother was there with me while the Dr showed me what he had found.

A tumor. In my brain. It had been there for a while, you see, and that’s why all of the excitement because it had washed its way into my head and my skull was curved slightly to make space for it.

Or something like that. Idk.. I wasn’t paying much attention. I just kept hearing the word. Tumor. I remember saying it in my mind like .. “Timmy the tumor” .. and elongating parts of it as in… tuuuuuumor.

Huh? 🤔 My brother was looking at me with such big eyes. I remember thinking… he has never looked this scared of me before.

The Dr was talking.. oops I missed it. Was I on drugs? Why yes.. I do believe they had me on some pills and something in my IV bag. My brain and head felt so discombobulated 😕 and overwhelmed.

The Dr was nodding and my brother was nodding. Uh-oh, I’m missing things. I should at least try to pay attention. This seems like an important time or event? Right? I should be paying attention and focused.

I heard something about .. “ we will have you back in here in a few days and surgically remove it… if possible.. and do pathology on it.” I nodded because.. that was what my brother was doing and I expected that was what the dr wanted me to do also so he could leave.

I don’t remember much after that. My family.. if they did ask.. I don’t remember saying anything or even responding.

Those few days rushed by.. and I was in a gown and with an IV in my arm… again. I was told to count down from ..”10…9…8..”

emptiness *

I woke up and saw the clock. It was big and obvious. I was still in the surgery room. I was being wheeled into an ICU room where I was given crunchy ice. 🧊

I needed to pee.. I felt then I wild sensation. Ahhh! 😯 there was a tube up my huha! I went to pull it out. That’s when the nurses descended telling me what it was.. why it was in there.

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My first surgery was a wiz..I was up and out of there in three days.

I was back to work and realized I didn’t have health insurance.

I called every Dr and every hospital staff that I could. As a result of a VERY giving Neurosurgeon I had his fee for the entire surgery and the anesthesiologist’s fee taken off. Only the hospital wouldn’t take off a penny.

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I did go back and get the pathology. I had an oligodendroglioma. Benign .. not malignant.

The Drs told me it would be 15-20 years of growing back. My neurosurgeon had gotten many tiny cells out so that to the eye it was gone. Those cells would… over time grow a new one.

But.. I had time.

So… I went back to my mid 20s with a budding realization in my subconscious that.. my life was never going to be the same.

5 years later…

To be continued…

That’s all I can do for now.. I’ll pick up where I left off. Thank you for reading my vulnerabilities and my raw truth.

Always ❤️

Diary of A Relationship Coach

I write for myself first and foremost. For those of you who can connect and relate with my writings, next. And for all of you who feel impacted by my writing… perhaps I have a special place in my heart of hearts 💞 for you all too. The willing. The open hearted. The receiving.

If you like my writing, please become a paid subscriber…. Where I have recently started a Rawthentic Circle ⭕️ where I share and paid subscribers can share and connect directly with me. Where I livestream to them and answer any queries they may have and we do some activities together to create a conscious awareness and presence. For life. For relationship. For intimacy.