Everyone L😍ves Him!

… and my mine-ster within…

I would like to share something with you my friends.. about my life and experiences. It is a hard story to tell because it brings up pain and a whole lot of shame and anger.. fear and sadness 😔 I thank you.. you know who you are.. for giving me this opportunity to respond with this post and heal .. truly.

Some time ago I was in a relationship where I thought we could be together forever. He wasn’t perfect, but neither was I.

I found myself holding my feelings/thoughts in and they festered over our years being together and grew into something that is akin to a monster… I like to call it the ‘mine-ster.’

My mine-ster saw him as so irritatingly unaware of anything I felt or thought about him as HIS fault, not mine. I saw him whistling and being cheerful and I would snarl at him to get him down to my level. He was too much of everything that I wasn’t at the time. I wasn’t happy. Satisfied. Joyful. In curious wonder!

The kicker was.. my family adored him. We had a large friends group.. he was well liked and even loved dearly by some of them.

I look back now silently in grief. I changed myself and him. I made US both miserable and feel like failures.

I had to face myself in a mirror… to look at the real person who was responsible for my own unhappiness.

Of course that was after an epic breakage of our relationship. A no-turning-back point in time.

What I Learned?

What I learned about myself in the dark and lonely place of ultimate aloneness and fear of ‘oh god what did I do to GET here’ …was that it could only go up from here. I had a new chance at life and from some chronic illness alongside my breakup, I began to learn. That’s right.. learning isnt just for children. Is especially important when you’re..’adulting.’

I read and consumed so many books on healing and growing through your pain.. playing with it with curious wonder to all the wonder filled secrets it has and dark shadows that come with healing.

I realized! I received! Most importantly… I appreciated.

I appreciated myself over and over.. at least 5 things a day for 66 days. I learned to relove myself.. BETTER. I learned to appreciate and love others, BETTER.

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When You Learn to Love Yourself… You Change

Have you ever had a life altering moment where you know you will be changed forever?

*If so, I’d love to hear your story ❤️ 😍 Please share your story with me.

I can’t explain it.. but you who have experienced this before know what I’m talking about.

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I’ll try…

You see the world with such clarity. Everything is brighter. Clearer. Colors are tangible and music brings you to tears of wonder. You. Are. So. Grateful. For everything and everyone… sometimes you just sit and watch the people and things and moments with a silly smile of such joy.. and you bathe in the experience of being. Here. Now. What a gift.

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What I realized is that there are no wrongs and no rights. No bads and no goods. Just essence, love and grace.

Now… I’m not saying I haven’t struggled since. Believe you me… I have. And.. I’ve always realized that we enjoy the struggle. The pain. Because we are all suffering and so we want people to suffer with us in great big sulfuric suffering little hells that we build ourselves and send out invites to only ourselves and say… oh ! My! I’ve been invited to suffer! Yes, I’ll rsvp to that!

Ok ok.. back to the love and grace 🫣

The Results of the Play?

I processed and learned… and appreciated. It’s a journey. The only journey there is.

Overall? In a nutshell 🥜

When you notice that everyone seems to adore your husband/wife/partner while you find their behavior irritating, it’s a sign that the situation is inviting you to look inward. Often, the qualities in our partner that trigger us…no matter how endearing they are to others…reflect something within us that needs healing or expansion. When they get on your nerves, it can be less about them and more about an inner projection or an unmet part of yourself.

In conscious loving practice, such irritation is viewed as a signal that you may be hitting your own upper limits for receiving positive energy. More on this below…

In many cases, this irritation is a body’s way of saying, “I’m not comfortable with the level of love and positive energy that’s available here,” and it can be a manifestation of an unconscious fear of vulnerability or intimacy. Perhaps unconsciously, you’re holding onto beliefs or patterns that restrict how fully you can experience intimacy, and their behavior becomes the mirror in which these dynamics are revealed.

This prolonged irritation tends to create a sticky feedback loop. The individual’s body tightens up, and their communication may turn into nitpicking or projecting hidden fears onto their partner. Instead of the relationship being a co-creative dance of closeness and creative expansion, it becomes a cycle of blame and repeated conflict. Partners quickly fall into familiar patterns where each small trigger is magnified, which slowly erodes genuine intimacy and undermines the possibility for a heartfelt connection.

One essential insight is that irritation isn’t something to simply “fix” by blaming the other person. Rather, it’s an invitation to pause and notice the microscopic signals in one’s body…the tight jaw, the shortened breath, that subtle shift in posture…that indicate something deeper is at play. By bringing mindful awareness and honest self-inquiry into these moments, both partners have the opportunity to share their underlying fears and unmet needs in a loving, constructive way. This process…calling what some of this work terms “the upper limits problem”…enables individuals to take full responsibility for their inner experience rather than projecting it onto their partner.

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How To Flip the Switch

The invitation here is to slow down, to take some space and breathe, and to share what is really happening inside, rather than letting irritation fester into cycles of conflict. Take a moment to pause, breathe deeply, and notice the sensations in your body. Instead of letting these feelings escalate into criticism or blame, gently explore them. Express what you’re feeling from the level of bodily sensation rather than as an indictment of your beloved’s character.

When partners can do this, they not only defuse the immediate tension but also open a pathway toward deeper connection, spontaneity, and creative co-creation within the relationship.

Ask yourself “what emotion is bubbling up beneath the surface…a fear of getting too close, a need for independence, or maybe a long-held belief about not fully deserving love.”

For example, you might share that a certain remark or habit causes tension in your chest or tightens your stomach. This method of speaking from your internal truth opens the door to mutual understanding.

Ultimately, this situation is not about your partner being loved or not; it’s an opportunity for you to expand your capacity for love and to drop old defensive patterns. By noticing and owning your internal reactions, you transform everyday annoyances into opportunities for deeper connection and personal growth. Embrace these moments as invitations to move into more conscious, joyful, and liberating relationship dynamics.

This kind of conscious loving creates a space where both people can reset their emotional thermostats, gradually removing those invisible limits that hold back the full experience of love and tenderness.

That’s all for now.. I hope this has supported you to gain a bit of willingness.. to grow, to learn, to understand.

❤️ 🙏

Diary of a Relationship Coach

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